2 - When I am Weak
-Written June 2014 -
I am so weak. Nothing has shown my weakness more than this transition to moving overseas. You hear the stories of Jim Elliott and Brother Andrew and Dietrich Bonhoeffer and so many more and we all think, “They were so strong! They were so brave!” I have seen more and more, though, as I approach this new season, that everything in me wants to draw back. My flesh doesn’t want to encounter something new, something risky. What once, from far away, seemed exciting and thrilling, now, close up, is terrifying. Everyday that draws closer to me leaving and as I read the stories on the news about the unrest in Israel, my weakness in my flesh becomes more and more apparent. I wish I could express in words how weak I feel in my flesh. I feel like a puddle, completely helpless.
Then I think about Jim Elliott. How did he feel before he flew to that tribe in Ecuador? Probably a lot like a puddle. He probably wondered what he was thinking when we decided to do this. He probably thought, “What will my wife and children do if I die?” He probably cried when he thought about it. He probably thought, “What if I don’t go? Is there any way I can get out of this?” He was a human with real emotions. He was weak. We see him as a hero, as someone who was strong and so brave but in reality, he, himself, was just a guy like me. Terrified about his next season in life and worried about his family.
Then I think about Jesus. How did he feel before he took on the cross? What were his emotions in the Garden of Gethsemane? Probably a lot like a puddle. He probably wondered if his Father’s plan was really the best idea. He probably thought, “What will my mom and brothers do when I die?” He cried when he thought about it. He probably thought, “What if there was another way to do this? How can I get out of this?” (i.e. Matthew 26:36-46). He was a human with real emotions. He was weak. We see him as a hero, as someone who was strong and so brave but in reality, he, in himself, was a guy like me. Terrified about his next step in his life and worried about his family. How special and intimate to have a savior and a God who exposed himself to the complete weakness of being a man.
First Corinthians 12:9-10 has never meant more to me than right now. God’s power works best in my weakness. That is why we see Jim Elliott, Dietrich Bonhoeffer, the disciples, Jesus and so many more as heroes. Their situations put them in places where they were more weak than they ever could have ever imagined and, in that immense weakness, the power of God has room to work at its best. It wasn’t because they were brave or strong. Actually, the exact opposite: it was because they were weak and scared - yet still obedient.
I am at that moment right now. Wondering why I decided to do this, how will my family feel when I’m gone, what if I don’t go, how can I get out of this, and the list goes on. I am a human with real emotions. I am so weak - and this is exactly where he wants me. It gives him room for his power and love to work at its best. This is an every hour reminder for me. I forget constantly and sometimes allow my weakness to overtake me. I forget to keep my eyes on Jesus and I forget 1 Corinthians 12:9. I must remember that my weakness is to the good of the Kingdom, because in my weakness, Jesus’ power is working best. For when I am weak, then I am strong.