5 - Idols

I had been feeling homesick since the minute I left my family in Arkansas. I skyped with them almost every day and talked to them about the war and what my life was like. Skyping with them was hard because I knew that there was a very high probability that the Israeli government was listening in. Josh and Paul both warned us to be careful about what we shared on the phone or over the internet. Our political views could hinder the status of the school in the eyes of the Israeli government. The school that I worked with did everything they could to stay out of politics. Their policy was to educate and do the work of God, not become political. The Israeli government doesn’t care as much about Christianity, as they do the fact that we were living in the West Bank. They wanted to know why we were there. They would have been okay with us working in Israeli territory, but because we are working in Palestinian territory, they were skeptical.

Not being able to discuss politics with my family was really hard for me. Everything that was happening, and everything that I was learning was deeply political.  I was learning so much about Palestinians, Israeli law, and the country's history. I wanted to explain everything freely but I didn’t want to create a problem for the school or for myself as I traveled. It was a constant battle. 

Regardless, it was so good to hear their voices and see their faces. I don’t think they knew how homesick I was. I was being forced to give my family to God everyday and to cling to Jesus only in my fear because it was impossible to cling to my family through FaceTime. My family has always been close. I have three sisters and they are my best friends. I knew that leaving my family would be a challenge when I decided to go to Palestine, but I didn’t think I fully understood how dependent I was on them. 

Taking a plane ride across the Atlantic quickly showed me how much and how deeply I prized them.  Love for family is not a bad thing.  It is a wonderful thing that only becomes an issue when it begins to rule your life. I would have easily disobeyed the call of Jesus on my life, to be back with my family. The only reason I didn’t get on a plane home was to save face and the price of the plane ticket. On top of that, being fully aware of the way Jesus had paved for me to be here, would have made my disobedience even too hard for my trembling heart to follow through with.  Jesus had made it too plain to me that I was right where I was supposed to be. I would love to say that the main reason I didn’t jump on a plane home was because of dedication to the call of God, but that would be stretching the truth a little too thin. This deep homesickness was pointing a finger at a treasure I had in my heart that was never meant to rule it. 

Obedience to Gods call and my homesickness were tugging at each other and it was painful. Jesus was purging me of any other love that would rule my life. I knew he wanted to be my first love. He wanted this so deeply that he took me to a place where that was nearly the only option. My fears about the war, my homesickness, and my insecurities had to be brought to him because he was the only one I had. He was the only one I could speak completely freely with. 

By the grace of God, my college years had been filled with an incredible community of believers and a sweet time of learning about the importance of intimacy with Jesus. As a Sophomore in college, I went through Mike Bickle’s study of the Song of Solomon (focusing on God’s relationship with his Bride, the Church). It changed my life and my view of God. That study engraved on my heart that God’s love is set upon me in all seasons of my life, no matter who I am or what I do. I’m his and he loves me. I realized my value as his Bride and daughter.

I also got to watch a revival of worship happen on my secular campus. A small group of friends began to pray for God to move on our campus. We dedicated one night a week to worship and prayer for our campus and each other. Over the next few years this gathering grew to be well over one hundred students meeting at a small college house worshiping and praying together. We began having meetings twice a week, and then three times a week, each time with more people coming.  People were coming to know Jesus, getting discipled, and having their lives changed forever. It was such a powerful movement to watch happen. These worship nights seemed to confirm even more what I had been learning as I studied the Song of Solomon: connection and intimacy with Jesus was the beginning, middle, and end of life with God. To be in his presence and to gaze upon him was not a waste of time. It was changing us and it was changing our campus.

I didn’t know it at the time, but this intimacy and closeness to Jesus that so deeply marked my college years would be of the utmost importance as the next few years of my life unfolded. I had spent my four years of college receiving and preaching that intimacy with Jesus is the highest goal of our lives, that our ministry and our works are secondary and a product of our love for him. If we could just be close to him and know him, really know him, everything in our lives would change. Palestine and my homesickness seemed to be another step in removing the things that stood in the way of my intimacy with Jesus. I felt like Abraham bringing one Isaac after another to the altar.  Things were becoming painful and hard, but I knew that intimacy with Jesus is my only lifeline.

My goal is God Himself, not joy, nor peace,

Nor even blessing, but Himself, my God;

‘Tis His to lead me there, not mine, but His-

‘At any cost, dear Lord, by any road!

So faith bounds forward to its goal in God,

And love can trust her Lord to lead her there;

Upheld by Him, my soul is following hard

Till God hath fulfilled my deepest prayer.

No matter if the way be sometimes dark,

No matter though the cost be oftimes great,

He knoweth how I best shall reach the mark,

The way that leads to Him must needs be straight.

One thing I know, I cannot say Him nay;

One thing I do, I press towards my Lord;

My God my glory here, from day to day,

And in the glory there my Great Reward.

-Frances Brook